The Gift of Dreams

Have you ever had a dream that lingered in your memory? I had always thought dreams were interesting because of the variety of people that appeared in them, some I recognized from my life and others I'd never seen or met before. I also thought that the places in my dreams were a bit unusual because even the familiar places looked somehow different when they appeared in the dreams. I had never given too much thought to any of these, until an image from a recent dream kept popping up at unexpected times, and I would wonder why it kept coming back. I tried remembering the dream, but I struggled with making sense out of it. I was surprised then to be in the middle of a therapy session, and out of nowhere came a clear image from that exact dream. I intuitively knew the image had arrived so vividly during the session so that I would have the chance to discuss it with my therapist, and I am grateful that I trusted my feeling enough to mention the image.

Since this was my first venture into dreams, I wasn't sure what anything meant and it all seemed like a silly story with me playing the main character. The "story" was about me being in a large metropolitan city, marching in a parade while holding an enormous sparkling crystal at the top of a very long pole. The crystal was in the bright sunlight, shining with such an intense sparkle that it brought shouts of joy and admiration at the glistening sight. I remember looking up at this spectacular vision of pure beauty, but then it gently went into the gloomy shadow of a tall building, taking all its splendor away. That's where the dream ended.

My therapist was interested in knowing details about the type of building that was casting the shadow on my crystal, but since I had absolutely no clue what kind of building it was other than being quite large, she instructed me to close my eyes and visually return to that place. It didn't take long for me to revisit the main street with the parade going strongly. As my beautiful crystal gradually went into the darkness I turned to locate the building and was amazed to see a huge cathedral casting that dark dreary shadow. Realizing that it was a church that took away the beauty made me swallow hard as the impact of that revelation slapped me in the gut!

The light bulb of understanding was burning brightly, and in that second of realization it was as though the floodgates of my awareness opened. I grasped that the crystal was a symbol for my relationship with God, while the image of the shadow brought clarity to the internal struggle I had been having about the Catholic Church. It seemed as though there were so many rules in the Church that brought a darkness in the form of judgment, negativity, power and control. For me this inner struggle began as I journeyed through the process of having my first marriage annulled by the Church. Remember theMarriage Tribunal of priests who had the power to decide if Jim and I could be married in the eyes of the Church? We had to wait years for their decision, and it wasn't until a monsignor at our church finally stepped forward and told my mom and dad that he would take on the responsibility of blessing our marriage even though the verdict had not yet been pronounced. At the time I wondered why there needed to be all the drama of waiting and uncertainty, when in the end the monsignor was able to handle it in a loving and compassionate manner. Our parish priest had also informed us that our diocese did not allow couples to be married in an outdoor ceremony even though it was allowed in the neighboring diocese...so many rules.

I walked away from these experiences with questions about all the inconsistencies that seemed to exist in the Church, but I never dealt with those concerns. It wasn't until that dream that I understood how I was truly feeling, and the darkness of the shadow summed it up quite well. I walked away from that therapy session with another loose thread that would be woven into the fabric of my life...the gift of dreams and the insights they can offer.

What a Ride!

I have fond memories of my initial "taste" of mindfulness. I was literally introduced to the joy of eating an orange in a mindful manner. I thought of all the oranges I had consumed over the years, and not once had I considered how the orange skin felt as I peeled it or how it popped and shot juice throughout my mouth as I bit into it. After that one experience I certainly wanted to learn more.

As I read Thich Nhat Hanh describing how he would choose a day each week to be immersed in mindfulness, I was captivated with figuring out how to make that happen in my life. It didn't take me long to realize that all I needed was the commitment to actually do it! My biggest obstacle was reigning in my need to control. Maybe because this was my maiden voyage into a new realm of discovery, or maybe because I was always more comfortable when I felt in control. For whatever reason, I went into overdrive in getting my mind solidly in control of the whole situation. I even went so far as to consider which day of the week would work best into my schedule...STOP! Okay, it took me some time before I finally realized that control was in no way needed.

The very next day I set off on my day of exploration into mindfulness. I was astonished with the time it took to merely get out of bed and brush my teeth...so many textures to feel, so many sounds to hear, so many tastes to experience, and that's just brushing my teeth! I was really getting into this intensified sense of awareness...even making out my grocery shopping list gave me an opportunity to feel the consistency of the pen against my skin as well as the sensation as the tip of the pen began gliding smoothly across the surface of the paper. I was so caught up in this new experience that I almost forgot about the list I was writing. And that is exactly the one challenge I had with mindfulness immersion...staying focused on the task that needed to be completed.

As I climbed into the car to drive to the grocery store, my senses were alive with an attentive awareness that was intoxicating. I smile with the memory of me sitting alone in the garage in my car, filled with the sensations of my body sliding into the seat, retrieving my keys from my purse, placing the key into the ignition...the soft coolness of the leather seat, the rattling of the keys along with the hard metallic feel of each key. By the time I finally backed the car into the street, this heightened attentiveness of me in the world brought a fullness to my whole being. In fact, I was so consumed with savoring each part of this fullness that I was four blocks past the grocery store before I even realized it! Now that was a ride!

Threads of Expansion

Since the bandages on my back needed to be changed daily, it gave me a chance each day to ponder how, in the span of six months, I had two totally different experiences in the way my body healed. What had made the difference? Did my lack of active participation affect the degree to which the wound was repaired? Did inviting divine participation affect the outcome? Honestly, it was a challenge to wrap my head around this new way of looking at healing. Throughout those summer weeks I continued to process my expanding perceptions!

It was also during this year that I investigated different ways to calm my mind and body. After reading Dr. Herbert Benson's book The Relaxation Response I began taking a structured quiet time each day for about fifteen to twenty minutes. During these times I would concentrate only on my breathing, counting each complete breath as "one." I liked this because with the repetition of "one" I was better able to just breath without my mind becoming involved in keeping count. Believe me, my mind had more than a bit of difficulty giving up control. Many random thoughts would enter my mind, so with each one I would gently set it aside and return to my breathing. I remember after several times of practicing this type of relaxation, I realized that I was no longer aware of my breath...it was as though I had reached a place where my mind and body were suspended in silence and a deep sense of peace wrapped me in stillness. I must admit that initially this new feeling scared me, so I took one very deep breath to reassure myself that I was fine. Another new experience for me to process...exhilarating for sure, and yet a bit scary at the same time.

In the midst of this introspective period, another book crossed my path that encouraged me to expand my awareness in still another area of living...The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. I can honestly admit that I had never considered the concept of mindfulness, and yet after being exposed to it, I could only wonder how I had become so occupied in busyness, making me unavailable to a different way of living. I thought about my initial attempts to quiet my mind and the difficulty I had calming the constant activity. After reading this book I came to a profound self-realization...mind full, most definitely yes...mindful, most definitely no! Oh, my journey with mindfulness had just begun.

The Opposite of Wonder and Delight

Three short months later at my regular check-up with the dermatologist, he biopsied a mole that I had not even seen because it was out of sight, right below my neck at the top of my back. The test indicated that further work was needed, so I set up yet another trip to the Procedure Room. After having the positive experience with the healing of my leg, what could ever keep me from embracing the same strategy following this new procedure? The sad answer is that I was too busy to even think about the quality of healing. This procedure was done in May, which was the busiest time of the year for me. I was busy planning a little reading party, busy making homemade awards for each student, busy doing report cards, busy packing up the countless books and supplies in preparation for summer cleaning...so much busyness, so little healing.

I vividly remember the sound of my doctor's voice as he removed all the stitches, only to watch the wound completely open up again. Here was my confident doctor standing in disbelief while trying to find the words to explain to me what had just happened. "Oh my," was repeated two or three times, followed by a heavy sigh. Since I could not see what he was looking at, I was more that a bit worried by this unusual tone. He proceeded to calmly explain that since the entire wound had opened, it would have to slowly heal from within. I wasn't exactly sure what that meant or how long it would take. I felt numb as I listened to all the instructions he laid out for us to follow over the next several weeks. It was at that point that my head became a bobble head, randomly nodding up and down as his explanation became more and more involved. Now it was my turn to say, "Oh my!"

As I left the clinic, my arms were filled with all the supplies needed to help the wound begin to gradually close. It's difficult to explain what was going through my head on the short trip home. I felt a mixture of guilt, shame, fear and uncertainty...guilt for being so self-absorbed in school related matters that I had no energy or thought left to give to my healing; shame for treating my body in such an unlovin way, fear about the possibility of it not healing properly; uncertainty as to why this would be happening to me. By the time I had arrived home, I was physically and emotionally drained.

Jessica was home from college for summer break, so I carefully explained to her and Jim all the details of how they would need to help with the special technique for cleaning the area and changing the bandages. After telling them that I had not seen it, they were both curious to see what I was talking about. I will never forget the silence that hung in the air as they cautiously inspected the wound. I knew it was serious when Jessica looked like she had just seen a scary reptile, and the only thing she said was, "Mom, are you sure the doctor said it was safe for you to come home?"

Loose Threads

Choosing a title for this stage of my journey, I had the visual of a handful of loose threads hanging freely in the air while waiting to be woven into the fiber of my life. I lived through these threads/experiences, considering them to be unrelated to each other...until years later when I saw how they had individually played a part in helping create the person I am today.

The first occurrence brings me back to the Procedure Room where my dad peeked in to help give me the courage to face the task ahead of me. I think I described it as an icky procedure that involved a fine set of stitches on the inside of my leg, right at the bend of the knee. My doctor explained that this was an especially tricky place for stitches due to the constant bending, so he asked me to carefully limit my knee movement. Being a first grade teacher meant that I was active throughout the day, so I knew that would be a nearly impossible task.

I had recently been a silent participant in a group discussion about our ability to quiet the body and invite God's energy to help in the healing process. I wasn't able to contribute to the conversation because it was a new idea for me and I first needed to process all this information before I could begin to formulate a comment. Now two weeks later, I was literally being given the opportunity to put this into practice. Each day I would sit on my sofa, taking a few deep cleansing breaths while inviting healing energy to surround and penetrate the wound. I was easily able to hold my hand over the bandages,visualizing this energy as a warm glowing light. I would quietly sit like this for a few short minutes and then whisper a prayer of gratitude. I could repeat this several times throughout each day since it took hardly any time to do.

When I returned to have the stitches removed, my doctor was delighted with how well the wound had healed. He wondered what I had done and commented that I could give lessons to his other patients on how to heal. Sitting there on the examination table I felt a bit awkward and unsure of what to say to him...this was a whole new way for me to think about healing. So after making small talk, I headed home with a feeling of wonder and delight and of course lots and lots of questions to ponder. How I wish I had again been able to touch into the same sense of wonder and delight just a few short months later...

Seeds of Change

As I reached my late thirties and early forties I felt the "nudge"to become more introspective, hopefully bringing some clarity to myself and my world. I had already encountered one divorce, two bouts with cancer and a clinical depression. I tried not to let these circumstances define me, but I admit that at times I felt like the poster child for When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I considered myself a well-behaved, respectable person, but as I grew up I wondered what I had done to deserve all these challenges. I began to ask God's help in understanding my life and my purpose for being here. Would I ever be able to go through life without the need for my daily companion, fear?

Saving money for a retreat with Francis was a two-year project, so when I finally achieved my goal, I was surprisingly nervous about spending an entire week with this woman. I was well aware of the deeply hidden feelings that she was able to bring forth during the brief weekend retreats in Milwaukee, so I was worried about what may come to the surface when I had more concentrated time with her. Even though the unknown aspect of this retreat was scary, I knew I was hungry for exactly this level of communication. I remembered how quickly I had trusted Francis when meeting her, and how refreshed my heart felt after each encounter. Yes, this retreat was exactly what I needed, so I put my uncertainties aside and headed out to California with confidence and just a wee bit of trepidation.

The best way to sum up my week in Idyllwild is to explain how I spent my last day. When I met with Francis that afternoon I brought along a small pad of paper and pen, quite seriously asking her to describe how I could recreate this peacefully quiet environment back in Madison. Now as I reflect back on that request, I smile and gently shake my head back and forth while feeling a mild case of embarrassment. Did I really believe Francis could give a detailed list of what needed to be altered in my life in order to achieve a retreat-like atmosphere? Oh my, I truly did begin at the beginning...but know that the seeds of change were planted during that stay.

Slow and Steady

It amazed me how life continued to move forward all around me even though the bottom of my world had fallen out from under me! Leaving the hospital, I noticed that everyone around me seemed to be engaged in the mundane realities of their world. How could they be going on their merry way when my treasured dad had just died?? I felt physically and emotionally drained, as though I was draped with the weight of grief and loss. Viewing life through that veil of sadness made everything around me seem surreal. Seeing his obituary in the paper was like getting a slug in my gut! There it was--a photo I had taken of him just a year earlier, now published with his obituary...surreal I tell you, surreal!

Moving forward was a slow process, but I found returning to my daily routine was one way of easing the bottomless taste of loss. I was also gifted with a simple way to honor my dad: a wind chime. He and I shared a love of them, and years earlier I'd purchased a beautifully-tuned one in Door County for him to hang on his patio. On the day of his funeral I stood alone on that patio whispering a gentle prayer of good-bye, when suddenly the wind chime rang. With no hint of breeze in the heat of that August air, this totally shocked me, momentarily taking my breath away, but leaving in its place a sweeping sense of peace. I felt like I had been in communication with Dad! Imagine my joy when a few days later at Wild Birds Unlimited I spotted a miniature replica of that exact wind chime! I purchased it, took it home to hang from a cupboard handle in our kitchen. Opening that door and hearing the soft ring of the chime provided a tangible remembrance of my love for him, and each time I would gently say, "Hi Popsi." It was a tender yet profound way of helping me heal in my grieving process.

With our home selling so quickly, we needed to move out two months before our new home was completed. That would have been a major nightmare if it hadn't been for Mom's generous offer to have us stay in the condo with her. This meant we would be with her for the first Thanksgiving and Christmas since Dad's death. Even though her three bedroom condo was busting at the seams with the addition of us and our two dog entourage, we shared a special holiday season filled with an abundance of emotional release and support...quite beautiful and exactly what I needed on my road to living with the loss of a deeply loved man.

A Man of Substance

Saying goodbye to my dad was one tough challenge I had never wanted to experience...a dark hole of loss and a deep farewell. How could I let go of someone I loved so greatly, admired so completely and connected with so deeply? When I was debating a possible job change, he was the one who taught me that nothing is forever...don't be afraid of trying something new just because you may not like it. He was a role model of living with courage, dignity and faith while dealing with the harsh realities that life can send your way. This man was more than just a dad, he had become a major presence in my adult life. For so many years our family had lived with the fallout of his alcoholism, so when he began to live a life of sobriety, it was a joy getting to know the new person that continued to emerge!

When he was newly sober, I had lived in constant fear of Dad returning to what had become his common pattern over the years, a life revolving around alcohol. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of him being exposed to alcohol and not giving into his temptation to have just one drink. But as he steadily worked the AA program, he gradually evolved into a man who was comfortable in his own skin. Once I asked how he could go with Mom to parties where alcohol was being served, and he calmly responded, "I just explain that I am allergic to alcohol." I was thrown by the sheer simplicity of his reply, yet this sense of simplicity surrounded his days as he began to grow and change before our eyes. You need to understand that during this time it felt as though I was being introduced to the dad I had never met! Gone were the days of closed drapes that would prevent neighbors seeing him stumbling or falling as he maneuvered his way through the house...gone were the days of trying to help by sharing Mom's unbelievable stress of raising five children while trying everything humanly possible to control her husband's drinking...gone were the days of my brothers, sisters and me having to finally accept and live with the ugly reality that we also had no control over Dad's drinking yet we often had to witness the sometimes scary consequences of that drinking. Looking back, I think we had lived so many years feeling incomplete, that when the sense of unity and togetherness arrived, we each in our own quiet way rejoiced! We were whole again! Having a sober dad felt as though the windows of our life had been swung open and the fresh air of newness was in abundance! It was a new day in our family and we all celebrated this rebirth. Now do you more fully understand the depth of the love we share?

My dad had been an ever-present support on my journey with melanoma...so many follow-up "procedures" to wade through, with not one of them being a pleasant experience. He was not only physically present during these visits, but he was also emotionally supportive. I remember on one these visits, Dad appeared in the hall outside the Procedure Room where I was being prepped for yet another particularly icky surgery that was needed to remove all the affected tissue beneath a mole. The procedure would be long, involved and quite painful. "I'm looking for my daughter's room." I immediately recognized his voice, but that was all I heard before he calmly poked his head into the room and said, "Are you doing okay honey? Would you like me to stay in here with you?" His voice of strength and loving concern was all I needed to feel safe and better equipped to handle the next hours. How could I possibly let go of this man?

Of course I knew he had been dealing with a gradual weakening over the late spring months, but I was in denial about the possible seriousness of his condition until hearing the diagnosis of lung cancer. Even then my sister and I convinced ourselves that post-surgery he would need some extra TLC to help him fully recover, and we were more than willing to provide whatever was necessary to help in this healing. We were not yet willing or able to let go of this man we loved so completely. I know my heart was not prepared for this deep good-bye, so swallowing the bitter pill of this reality was more than I could initially handle. Jessica took a week away from her new job to spend time with the grandpa that had shared his house and heart in the early years of her life...such a close bond...such a heartfelt farewell.

One August morning Dad's doctor called us into the dreaded Conference Room. Gathering in this room was a certain sign that some serious news was about to be given, and this time was no different. He explained that there was no more they could do to help Dad...they had done everything in their power to heal him, and now it was up to us to formulate a new plan for his future care. I remember words like "nursing home" and "home health care" fill the air, before the final words of "possible months of painful lingering ahead"...who would ever want to hear those words, yet here they were hanging in the room around us! It didn't take Mom long before announcing, "I still believe in a miracle." Our miracle arrived the next afternoon when Dad died of a heart attack. No long months of suffering! Safe Home Dad!!

What a Year!

The year Jessica graduated from college was a year filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, all wrapped up in a twelve month span. At the beginning of that year Jim and I began searching for a new house, a task that delighted me with the endless possibilities. Our first house had been easy to pick out and purchase since it was my first home purchase and I entered into that process without any specific ideas of my wants and needs. Now fourteen years later, I entered the same process with a very detailed list along with a bundle of anticipatory delight and energy. Do you remember the picture of Jim with his gigantic tomato plants? Well, that may give you a sense of where he would have chosen to live...in the country. There I was with my city girl attitude and my city girl tastes, and what's a city girl to do when she's married to a vegetable growing wanna be farmer? Right again...compromise.

After many weeks of unsuccessful house searching, we found a half acre lot where we could get all of our wants and needs met by having a house built for us. Everything was going so smoothly, even getting our house sold without even listing it. We were riding on a natural high, choosing a builder and a house plan while also making plans to attend Jessica's graduation. It was during this time that my dad's health began to slowly fade, and although he didn't talk about it much, he finally admitted that he was not even feeling strong enough to make the trip to D.C. One thing I knew was that there were very few things that would keep Dad away from Jessica's graduation, so in the back of my mind I wondered if he was downplaying the seriousness of the weakness. He continued to assure us that he was beginning to feel a bit stronger.

Jessica's graduation was an adventure. Jim drove our car out so that he could bring Jessica and all of her belongings back home. Mary had never flown, so she and I flew out to the festivities. She entertained everyone around her with stories about her niece graduating, her dad who had to stay home, her mom who was riding out in a van with her other sister, her excitement about flying for the first time, and the delicious chocolate chip cookies that were served...boundless, pure enthusiasm! After landing, we picked up our bags and headed to the CUA campus, but not before Mary loudly proclaimed to anyone within earshot that the weather was way too cold for her comfort. Yes, the weather was more than unseasonably cold for the end of May, but the rest of us just accepted this fact, added another layer, and moved on with our celebration...not Mary! To this very day, when asked about Jessica's graduation, she will eventually find a spot in the discussion to bring up the cold weather.

Watching Jessica graduate from college was an emotional experience. I felt a deep joy as she received her diploma, witnessing first hand the incredible woman she was becoming. It marked the time I was seeing her as a true adult, a young woman capable of going out into the world, well prepared to continue her journey. Within a couple of weeks she was set to begin her dream job of driving the weinermobile for one year. After training, she was heading to the east coast all set to begin the adventure of a lifetime, totally unaware of what was about to turn the highest of highs into the lowest of lows.

51 Photo Gallery #3

Here I am back again with another assortment of family pictures. It has been a wonderfully rewarding experience to go through the hundreds of photos that we have collected over the years. So many memories! We have such a large collection of pictures because Jim always travels to family events with his camera, and now I'm thankful for having them because they help breathe life into my story. I also like sharing photos because they help to give you a more complete glimpse into the everyday experiences that have enriched my days. So sit back and enjoy another trip down memory lane. But before we get started I have another little question for my family to consider...who is the visitor in the above group picture? If you need a clue, call Steve in Florida because I'm pretty sure he'll be the first one with the answer.

In our family it wouldn't be Christmas without the obligatory photo of the five kids with Mom and Dad. Isn't it fun to see the changes that occur throughout the years in physical traits, hair styles, and fashion sense or nonsense?

You can most likely tell how much I enjoy having plants in my house, and in our first home we had wonderful natural sunlight. I was able to have a wide variety of greenery and I took real advantage of the favorable conditions. Tyler and Muffles are my furry companions...what joy they brought to our lives! Muffles, the little one, was forever the hunter, but it was gentle Tyler who got nipped on his butt by a red-winged blackbird who thought he may have been invading her flying space.

Whenever we had family get-togethers I would also keep my camera ready to capture the cousins spending quality time. Do you like the country look going on in my house...who knew you could decorate your walls with cookie cutters?

Jessica teases me about looking like I'm talking whenever I have a picture taken. This is a perfect example...It seems that I'm mid-sentence in this photo. Oops! I'll have to work on a natural smile...

Another example of our Christmas wonderland. One year we secretly tape recorded all of us opening our presents and then later in the day we gathered to listen to all the conversations going on around the living room. How much silly fun can one family have together?

At times Mom would ask certain individuals to help prepare the meal...what a fine job Steve and Greg did on their contribution, and they seem proud of the finished product too.

My brothers and sisters each received a framed picture of Mom and Dad from their fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration. Being married to the photographer made gift giving easy that year.

Cousins stopping long enough for me to catch a quick picture. When you're cousins, age differences don't really matter...the important thing is to just enjoy each other.

Often our family clan would get together for Easter when Mom and Dad had returned from their annual winter getaway in Florida. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, brothers, sisters and in-laws...who could ask for anything more? And don't forget the pets...

Each summer our entire family would rent three of these huge cabins in Northern Wisconsin. Two of them shared one roof and were connected by a door, so there were lots of go-betweens. Each cabin had two bedrooms, one enormous loft with several beds, living room, bathroom, and one kitchen. The following pictures are just a thumbnail sketch of our time together.

Mom and Dad relaxing on one of the beautiful sofas. We certainly didn't need fancy furniture to make us happy and content. Relax and talk...ahhhhh

One of our famous sayings has been, "Move your meat, lose your seat." Well, here's Mary being creative when Jim tried to take over the sofa after she moved her "meat".

We tried many different poses whenever a few of the cousins were together. We wouldn't need to include everyone, just the ones who happened to be together at the moment.

A quick pic before these three raced to the water. Vacations are the best!

No, Kathie is not really sleeping, but she's fair game for these two sly tricksters. Everybody knows their favorite vacation song is, "Take me out to the...underwear." Believe me when I tell you it sounds best when sung in the shower!!

Okay, I think this is the best photo op! Thanks to Mother Nature...you couldn't create such a perfect set-up.

An afternoon hike with two of my favorite people. I love the way Mary is hooking her arm through mine...such gentle affection.

Vote for the most creative silly face. Be sure to look closely or you may miss some of the more subtle details...like turning your eyelids inside out. Looking at that particular picture reminds me that he is now the father of two young sons. He has so much talent to pass on to the new generation.

Mary likes to read the daily sports page, scoping out her favorite teams and players. She was so engrossed that she didn't realize I was taking her picture...now that's concentration! Note the country decorating going on behind her.

I think Jessica and I are blessed with sharing a relaxed relationship. We view the world through the same set of values...I treasure the time we spend together...she is easy to love!

I'm in mid-sentence again, but this time I'm probably singing the praises of Jessica because this was the night she was welcomed into National Honor Society, an honor that was well deserved.

Isn't this the silliest picture?? Jessica and I were having one of our nightly chats when all of a sudden our space was invaded by dogs, dogs, dogs. We always took Mom and Dad's dog while they were in Florida, so each winter Muffles and Tyler would happily welcome Willy into the fold. I hope you've already figured out that Jessica is totally pretending to be asleep...how could she possibly sleep while being part of a love sandwich?

It's easy to see that I had little trouble snuggling with Muffles while taking a wee bit of a rest. The chair I'm sleeping in was conducive to napping because it was so comfy and cozy, and the ottoman gave yummy support to my tired feet.

I don't know who looked more comfortable...Muffles or Jim. It's evident how easily Muffles was
able to conform to whatever space was available at the time.

Its always been easy to enjoy and appreciate Jim's silly side which he exhibits on a regular basis. His sense of humor and easy going attitude were two of the traits that appealed to me as soon as we met, and thirty three years later I continue to value them.

Here Jessica and I are at the Main Street Motel in Fish Creek. Door County holds a special place in my heart and the two of us would travel there as often as possible through the years. My parents were the ones who introduced me to the beauty of the area, and now I joke that it's part of my DNA.

Jessica offered to snow blow the driveway and sidewalk on a very windy day after a snowfall. She was completely covered with snow because Jim had set the discharge chute to blow into the wind and this was the outcome. I hope I had a cup of hot chocolate waiting for her.

When Jessica had her senior class picture taken, we used the opportunity to have a formal family photo session. We actually looked so formal and serious, probably due to the fact that it was our first family trip to a studio so everything felt a bit stiff, prim and proper...conventional as well as meticulously posed, and very far from natural. But I do need to admit that I liked the final product, so maybe prim and proper isn't so bad after all.

Jim had his first venture into growing tomatoes in the '80s and he was immediately hooked by the whole experience. He even built his own little lighted hothouse in our basement so he could plant the seeds in winter! Then in August he would can his own tomatoes!! I was beyond impressed by his over-the-top enthusiasm, and I absolutely loved eating the fruits of his labor. This is a picture I took of him in his tomato garden. Yes, those are actual plants that are way beyond his 6'3" height. I think secretly he would be extremely happy living on a farm and growing his own produce. Hey, maybe I could live in a condo in Door County and he could live on a farm...compromising can be tricky.

Our dogs wanted to show their loyal support for Jessica's choice of Catholic University.

I liked the way Jim set up this picture of Jessica and me standing in the Lincoln Memorial. It is the perfect way to capture us on our day of sightseeing in Washington because it shows the Washington Monument and the nation's capitol in the background. I remember it being hard to focus on the beauty of the city when I knew that within hours Jim and I would be heading back to Madison without Jessica in the backseat of our car...bittersweet memories.

I don't want to leave you with the impression that Jim was the only gardener in our family. Here is my specialty...flowers, flowers, flowers. I had four different flower gardens when we lived in this house and it provided me with my first experience of planning, digging, planting, tending and enjoying the beautiful boquets of homegrown flowers. I found it relaxing to dig in the earth for hours and hours. It was like a form of meditation for me and I thoroughly entered into the whole experience.

My dad and I shared a love of gardens. He had the most beautiful rose bushes that he loving tended for years, and although I was always a bit intimidated by the fragility of roses, I did inherit his interest in developing a garden filled with multiple colors, shapes and sizes throughout the growing season. We would go on hunting expeditions to our favorite nurseries, carefully picking and choosing just the right plants to add to our gardens. In this picture we are standing in front of Mom and Dad's condo in the spot he had chosen to use for his new garden...in fact this spot was one of the big selling points when he and my mom were looking at this condo.

We couldn't afford to fly Jessica home for Thanksgiving break, but she was able to come home for Christmas!! What a joy-filled time we had together...so much fun that it was difficult to have her leave again. In this picture I caught her as she was taking time to read and relax.

When Jessica returned home after her freshman year, we had the whole family meet her at the airport as a surprise. Her cousins even made big Welcome Home posters, and that's what you see her holding in the above photo. It was great to have her back for an entire summer!

Remember how I mentioned how Jim and I had more time to spend together? Well, here is one of the best times we had when we went exploring a back country road. We were bown away by the hidden beauty of this spot. Who knew you could find such a peaceful lake tucked far away from the crowds? We were glad Jim brought his tripod along so that he could set up the camera to take this little slice of heaven.

Yikes! I just realized that I'm wearing another skirt in this picture! It is really true that finding me in a skirt/dress is a rarity. I do remember liking that skirt because it was suede/leather and it made me feel quite special to be wearing such a fancy outfit.

On the University of Wisconsin campus there is this wonderful statue of Lincoln located at the top of Bascom Hill. We were walking past it and Jim thought it would be amusing to have his photo taken with Lincoln...and he was certainly correct! Doesn't it make you smile too?

Presenting the three sisters. If asked to describe love, I would simply show this photo. Life gave me this enormous gift...sisters. I know, I know, those who have been in my life forever can probably remember a time when I didn't always share a close, loving bond with my older sister, like the time she threw my clothes out of our upstairs bedroom window because I didn't put them away quickly enough, or the time she drew a line down the middle of our bed to indicate the exact area that belonged to her and the exact area that belonged to me. But all of those moments only added to the rich fabric of our relationship. If you happen to see my sister, you may want to ask her to share the story of mashed potatoes when I was a child...

We had just had breakfast at The Pancake House and since I had my camera, I felt it was a good opportunity to capture some of my favorite people...fair warning to those who are around me when I have my camera in hand.

Here are the cousins for one final shot. So you want to learn the secret behind this photo? All I can tell you is that after celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of my parents, one of the cousins went home to change before meeting back at the condo. Little did she know that we would be taking lots and lots of family photos, so she arrived wearing a pair of shorts...nice shorts, but still shorts. Jim, using one of his creative photograhy solutions, decided to place her in the back of any and all photos whenever possible. That way it would be really difficult to tell that she had changed out of her dressier clothes. And now, all these years later, the truth comes out...right Cindy?

I wanted to include this photo because I really, really like it...love abounds!

Having fun on a day of shopping with Jessica. We passed this stately lion and I just felt the need to have my picture taken with him. See, there's another reason you should always travel with a camera...you just never know when a photographic lion is going to appear.

Here is one proud dad. Jessica received a scholarship from Oscar Mayer and this was taken on the day the scholarship was awarded. I think Jim's smile says it all!

I thought it would be appropriate to end this Photo Gallery with our in-house photographer posing as a professional photographer.

A Wise Man's Advice

I felt the person who could give me solid advice about the problems I was having with Jim's drinking was my dad. He had been a recovering alcoholic following the principles of AA for many years, and over those years he had successfully given counsel to many people. One thing I absolutely admired about my dad was the fact that he could listen with an open heart and only give advice when asked...extremely patient, wise and honest. I talked with Dad about my concerns and was pleased when he agreed to meet with both of us to openly discuss our thoughts and feelings about alcohol. The mere fact that Jim and I would be willing to enter into such a personal discussion in front of my dad tells you how safe we felt in his presence.

After giving Jim a chance to talk about his drinking habits and why or why not he thought these habits were a problem, Dad asked me to share why the drinking was a problem for me and the effect I felt it was having on our relationship. He gave both of us an ample opportunity to explain our feelings, and by the end we agreed he had a full understanding of why we were turning to him for help. In response, Dad shared his belief that if a person's drinking was causing a problem to anyone in that person's life, then that person's drinking was a problem. He went on to explain that most people thought that in order to be considered a person with a drinking problem you had to be an out-of-control drinker who had missed work, gotten fired, or experienced blackouts due to drinking, but he knew otherwise based on his own experiences with alcoholism. I was quite surprised by this profound wisdom delivered in such a simple package. After having time to process it for a few minutes, it made total sense...the essence of our situation presented in a straightforward and unpretentious manner. My dad, a man of few words, each of which he chose and constructed with exact precision. Does this give you insight into my dad and why we were comfortable and safe in approaching him for advice?

As we left our meeting, Jim and I were in agreement with the message that had been delivered to us that night. On the recommendation of Dad, we used this newly received idea/meaning as a foundation for our communication...and what discussions we had throughout the following days! That one session was the catalyst for a significant shift in our marriage.

One Tough Decision

When Jim and I first met, I was aware that in social situations he would often drink more than I liked, but I knew that being the child of an alcoholic made me acutely aware of the drinking habits of people in my life. This sensitivity was something that I didn't choose to verbalize very often since I understood it was simply an issue that was rooted in my past experiences with my dad. It was an issue,though, that didn't disappear when my dad began his work with AA, on his path toward becoming a recovering alcoholic. Each time Jim would over-indulge I would get a huge knot in my stomach along with a fear that someday down the road he would lose his ability to control his alcohol consumption and eventually turn into an alcoholic. The mere thought of that future would make the hair on the back of my neck quiver.

It's hard for me to admit the ways I tried to control his drinking over the early years of our relationship, but I think it's important to be open and honest so that you can begin to realize the deep fear and eventual anger I felt toward this third party in our marriage. I remember feeling that I never wanted to go through what our family had experienced over the years of living with a practicing alcoholic. I needed to do everything in my power to prevent this from happening! I know now how ridiculously desperate that sounds, but that is exactly how desperate I was feeling during that time!

Jim was a wedding photographer when we met, so this meant that he would regularly work at a wedding on the weekends. Every wedding has a reception, and almost every reception has some type of alcohol...you can probably tell where I'm heading with this, right? That's correct...after the photographs were finished and all the obligations had been met, Jim would often be invited to stay for the end of the reception festivities, and usually that would include drinking. Oh yea, I believed that if I went to the weddings with him, then I would be able to control his alcohol intake. How silly was that? Sad but true. (Yes, Thom, that's how I ended up in your wedding photographs about ten years before even meeting you.) There were many weddings that I didn't attend with Jim, and on one of those occasions Jim called, inviting me to come and listen to the great band at the reception. Of course I went because then I could control, control, control...but by the time I appeared, Jim was already beyond any control I could offer. I arrived to see him dancing with one of the bridesmaids. I wish there was a word that could begin to describe how I sick I felt as I stood there in the darkened room, because using the words hurt and angry only describe the tip of my emotional response. Would I have had the same emotional response if he had not been drinking? I truly didn't know the answer to that question, but I gradually began to understand that his drinking was concerning me to the point of causing a problem in our relationship. I don't want to give the impression that he drank all the time because that is not true, but each time he did over-indulge, I had the same fear-based response. Eventually when Jessica was in college and Jim and I spent more time going to social events together, I knew that I had a decision to make. I either had to seek a solution for dealing with this third party in our marriage or I had to find a way of living with that reality...without letting it consume me and our relationship.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

I learned firsthand the painful reality behind the term empty nest. I felt the intense emptiness for weeks after Jessica's departure, especially each day when getting home from school and not finding her there to talk...listen...and decompress from our day. Also after getting ready for bed we would often share a quieter time during which we would talk about anything and everything that was on our minds...these were especially treasured moments for me. There were many tears shed throughout those weeks because my sense of loss was profound. With the major changes in my role as a mother, I found I had more unscheduled time for myself, although it took me several weeks to be truly ready and open to the realities of what this change could mean, and how this time of transition and adjustment could offer me a variety of choices. There were all types of potential opportunities for me to ponder and the only stipulation was my degree of willingness to be open. Here was my chance to consider only those experiences that appealed to me. I remember thinking these endless possibilities must be the upside of the empty nest phenomenon...and I smiled.

I enrolled in a calligraphy class which quickly engaged my creative juices, I joined a Bible study group that Suzanne offered which fed my spiritual hunger, and I began to meditate which gave my overly active mind a chance to experience a new-found quiet. All in all I was experiencing life in a fresh, expansive way that tasted quite remarkable. Did I continue to miss Jessica's daily presence in my life? Absolutely! But I was gradually able to move toward a place of acceptance of this new and different phase in my life and thereby become open to the growth and change it offered me.

During this time I knew there was an area of my life due for a tune-up...our marriage. Since Jim and I then had the time, maybe we could both focus some of that time and energy on our relationship because merely sharing a physical space does not a marriage make. So many people described Jim as a "great guy" and that description was absolutely true. He was a good guy through and through, and I loved him dearly, but something that concerned me was the lack of quality time we spent together. We often chose to spend our free time in totally different ways, but it became my hope that we would find some mutually satisfying activities that we could enjoy doing together. To be fair, I must admit that this lack of quality togetherness bothered me much more that it bothered Jim. He felt we were spending quality time if we sat in the same room and watched an evening of TV together...me, not so much. I was hungry for something more, but I didn't know exactly what that meant or how to achieve it. As Jessica was growing up it seemed as though the time Jim and I spent with each other was usually for family-centered activities rather than just the two of us spending time as a couple. I had never been aware of this fact during that time, but believe me, it became clearly evident after Jessica went off to college! There was nothing like lots of available free time staring me in the face, and not being able to find a suitable way to spend time together, so we'd settle on going out for dinner...if only we could agree on a restaurant. Are you getting a sense of my struggle? Hindsight is wonderful because I am able to sit here over twenty years later and smile at our crude but terribly sincere attempts we both encountered along the way of discovering togetherness...

Stress Relief...Oh My!

Have you ever been so tired that everything around you seemed funny? Well, that's exactly how Jim and I were feeling by the time we made it to Chicago. Emotionally drained and totally sleep deprived would be an accurate description of us in the early hours of that Sunday morning as we pulled into the gas station. Yes, the laughing started when we exited our car and froze our bums while attempting to fill the gas tank, but that was only the beginning of what turned into an uncontrollable scene that played out in the frigid air of the aptly named Windy City. No matter what we tried to say, we were not able to restrain our laughter...merely looking at each other sent us into a powerless mass of giggles. At one point Jim commented that the gas station attendant was going to think we were having trouble keeping our behavior under control because we were on drugs. Well, those words of warning certainly fell on deaf ears, while encouraging our creativity to run wild as we began constructing possible headlines for our local newspaper...First Grade School Teacher Arrested With Husband in Chicago on Possible Drug Abuse Charges! Just the thought of that headline did anything but rein in my hysterics. In fact, not only was I not laughing in a normal manner, but I was doubled over, letting out a snort that sounded a lot like a pig...oh my!

After making it safely back into our car, I had to admit that all the unleashed outpouring of silliness was exactly what I needed in order to shake off the emotional upheaval of the previous twenty-four hours. I felt like a dog who just had been given a bath and needed to shake free all the annoying leftover water dripping off its back. I was no longer burdened by the emotional release that had taken place within the confines of our car for the last fifteen hours.

When we finally made it home, we slept for the rest of the day. There was no way I could spend my first day of school exhausted, so sleep was a necessity. It felt strange that we didn't need to ask Jessica to turn down her music to help give us the quiet we needed. Instead, our house already seemed too quiet. Is that how our "empty nest" was going to sound without the activity and energy of a teenager? It was most definitely a time of transition in our marriage, and I wanted us to take this transition slowly, hoping that going slowly may take away some of the "sting" of loss and replace it with new possibilities for us to explore. Yikes! Jim and I having more one-on-one time together...oh my!

After the Goodbye

The whirlwind trip of bringing Jessica to college had finally come to a poignant climax. With my school beginning on Monday I felt we should leave DC no later than Saturday night, even though I sincerely wanted to stay as long as possible before having to face the dreaded goodbye. When it came time for us to leave, the three of us headed down to our car for the initial phase of farewells. Jessica and I shared raw emotions of love and gratitude toward each other, while flavoring it with heartfelt tears and fond memories, so many memories over so many years together. This was quickly followed by an embrace hinting at the understanding that it would be several months before we would again share the same air...a hug that I wished could go on indefinitely, but since we all knew it was time for us to go, we shared on final group hug. In the meantime, through all of this emotional outpouring, Jim was able to remain calm, so at least one of us was capable of driving back to Wisconsin. I watched and waved as Jessica became a mere dot in the background of the CUA campus, and by that time I had quite simply melted into a puddle of seemingly endless sobs.

As we left Washington and throughout many of the seventeen hours traveling back home I continued sobbing, surprising even myself with the depth of sadness and loss that I felt. I needed to understand that there were two simple realities forming the foundation for my sense of loss and grief. First, my "little girl" and I were on the threshold of entering into a brand new phase of our relationship, a strangely different and totally unknown connection in which we would both participate as adults and secondly, from that day forward whenever Jessica would be at our home she would be a visitor. While watching my daughter as she had become that tiny dot, she had turned back to her dorm, entering it as a young adult who was independently living on her own in the great big world. I had comprehended this transition back in Madison as I had spent the previous year mentally preparing for her leaving, but living through the realism of this transition was especially more difficult for my heart to accept. This was a bitter pill of reality for me to swallow...indeed.

I was useless in the shared driving department because it seemed as though each time I would begin feeling peacefully calm, the tranquility would be abruptly interrupted by a flash of remembrance that would begin the flow of tears. There would be no advanced warning, simply heartrending sadness that had no boundaries. I don't think Jim had much fun on that trip home until we came to a truck stop in the Chicago area. You see, when we left Washington it was around eighty degrees so we were dressed for that weather. We had no clue that the Midwest was experiencing a sudden drop in temperature, down around forty degrees! Can you imagine our surprise when we exited the car to fill the tank with gas? We felt as though we were dressed for Florida and ended up in Alaska. With our lack of sleep along with all the emotions swirling around inside our car for the last fifteen hours, we both needed some comic relief, and this frigid weather provided the perfect humorous material. I thought Jim looked funny as he filled the gas tank because his whole body was shivering from standing outside in this ridiculous weather, and he was laughing at how equally silly I looked in my summer outfit... and that's how it all started.

A Difficult Goodbye

The year of preparation definitely helped me get ready to set Jessica on the road to adulthood, but it didn't offer any ways to make this initial break achievable or even possible. If only my heart could absorb this growth and change that was about to occur. I never gave up...I kept processing this until the day we packed up our car and headed off to Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C. What a trip! We left at night, trying to avoid as much traffic as possible, and since this was in the time before GPS, we faithfully followed our trusty little map from AAA. The best thing I can say about our trip out to Washington was that it was uneventful...until it was time to actually drive in DC traffic. Oh my, nothing could have prepared us for the speed, disregard for rules of the road, and total chaos that is known as driving in Washington. I arrived at our country's capital feeling a bit like a fish out of water. I felt like such a Midwesterner! I truly wasn't accustomed to being surrounded by people moving at such a fast pace, but I was most definitely intrigued by the city. It had a wide diversity of nationalities as well as all that is entailed in being our nation's capital...so much to see and do and our time in this bustling city was so limited.

We stopped at a MacDonald's on the way to Jessica's dorm, and we were greeted as we got out of our car by a police officer who was wearing a bullet-proof vest and acting as an escort for people like us who were "new" to the neighborhood. He suggested that next time we may want to choose a different location for getting a meal. Now there's something I had never seen in Madison! Is this giving you an idea of why I felt like a fish out of water? Soon after that, we had to wait for a very l-o-n-g time in the hot sun for another police officer to arrive because we witnessed a car accident...remember the crazy driving I mentioned?

After finally getting Jessica settled into her new home, we became typical tourists as we went out for an entire day of sightseeing, taking in all the major highlights found throughout the city. We even went to the top of the Washington Monument where Jessica was able to point out the CUA campus far off in the distance. This was all a fun distraction, but in the corners of my mind I was keenly aware of the real reason for being in DC...we were there to transport our daughter to college, release this mature young lady from childhood, and set her free to continue her grown-up journey to adulthood. Those were some heavy duty responsibilities which would challenge me more than I could have ever imagined!

Patience

When I returned to Madison I felt like I had a hangover. It was an emotional hangover filled with a heightened sense of excitement, disbelief and awe that remained with me for several days, making it a bit of a challenge to keep my mind focused. It was as though I understood that I had received an invitation to change, and I was wanting to set this change in motion immediately, even though I knew that realistically I was in no position to drop my daily commitments, pack my suitcase and head out to California. But in my heart I knew that I had met the woman who could be my respected, safe and treasured mentor...Francis, and that alone was intoxicating. Hey, maybe that's why I felt like I returned with a hangover.

During this period of waiting, I would smile as I recited my version of the prayer for gaining patience...Dear God, please grant me patience and I want it now! That sums up how I was feeling about needing to wait, save money and find the time in order to go on a week retreat with Francis. I also needed to accept that the timing wasn't wonderful since Jessica was looking into colleges, which meant that we would have four years of financial commitments. Paying college tuition could certainly affect my ability to put money aside in a retreat fund, but I was focused on saving money, no matter how small each contribution may be.

Jessica was in her senior year in high school, which was an interesting time for our family. She was very involved in student council and this commitment kept her busy and happy with all that she was able to accomplish. I was involved in preparing myself for her departure from home to college. The two of us had been a solidly connected duo for so many years and the thought of her leaving Madison for an indefinite period was beyond my comprehension. It literally took me the entire year to gradually process that this was a natural time for her to venture out on her own, as well as the natural time for me to willingly open my arms and send her off on her journey as an adult. Intellectually I understood this to be true, good and healthy, but in my heart I was sad and full of my own natural uncertainty about how my life would look and feel when she was far away in Washington D.C. I had difficulty envisioning my daily routine for the next year, a routine that would not include our time spent together at the end of each day sharing the highs and lows of our day. It was our nightly ritual, and one I treasured. So many other holes...so many questions. Who would be able to go clothes shopping with me and share an honest opinion? Who would go to Door County with me and enjoy doing all the things that we both considered fun? Who would sit and talk with me about everything and nothing at the same time?

I learned that growth and change can be quite painful, even knowing that this was the best time for us to naturally separate didn't lesson the degree of loss and pain.

Life-Changing Encounter

The first little tear was easy to catch with a quick swish of my tongue, but the ones that quickly followed were a bit more difficult to sweep away because they flowed steadily as I sketched the image. Needless to say, I had no problem getting in touch with the emotions from the picture that had come, once the distractions of my mind were put to rest. Fear had no place in this experience! All the earlier clutter of thoughts, fears and judgements dissipated as soon as I was able to focus on the healing music and the gentle invitation that Francis dripped into my heart. All else fell away, except for the pesky tears that arrived in such abundance that I then had to involve the sleeve of my shirt to help capture them. At one point I did become aware of the reality of sobbing in front of the large number of bodies that surrounded me, but after taking a quick peek at them, I understood that they too had their own images to welcome.

I was carefully drawing the distinct image of the yellow cab that had carried my little body to the hospital to meet Dr. Reese. I saw me looking up at the highest skyscraper I had ever seen. I remember trying to capture the deep impotence I was feeling during that cab ride, but I quickly let go of trying to control the look of the image, and instead I was connecting with every emotion I remember experiencing at that time. With the arrival of each emotion came more tears, and I mean more tears. Both sleeves of my shirt were soaked and my nose was then actively participating in the release of my previously imprisoned emotions that had remained all these years in the darkened corners of my memories. I hope you are able to appreciate the image of me drawing an image of me while all sorts of bodily fluids are escaping my body, and I only had my tongue, hands and sleeves to keep these fluids in check.

Francis had again asked us to jot down any words that arrived during our sketching. Oh my, how surprised I was with the flood of words that appeared along with the continuing flood of tears. Overwhelming, the unknown, fear, why me?, alone, so-o small, God?, where am I going?, scary new area, and cancer? were the thoughts and feelings that blanketed the image. With all the physical and emotional release that surrounded me, I look back and think about what had actually kept me seated in my chair. Why hadn't I simply melted into a puddle of tears with a side order of exhaustion?

By the end of that retreat I knew four things for sure...I knew I was grateful for receiving the opportunity to attend the retreat with Suzanne, I knew I needed to save my pennies so that I could make reservations to go on a week-long retreat in California with Francis, I knew that I had been gifted with a loving, safe, spiritually grounded woman who could help me on my journey of growth and change, and I knew that my life would never be the same after those three days with Francis. Thank You God!

Honesty Prevails

Saturday morning went by so quickly because Francis had the ability to draw me into each part of the discussions. I was often quite shy when I found myself surrounded by a large group of people I didn't know, and yet here I was with well over fifty participants that I had never met, feeling safe and welcomed. After lunch Francis introduced to us the plan for using the paper and art tools. She began by asking us to get comfortable as she played some beautifully calming music while gently giving us the instructions. As we began, I felt so relaxed and opened, a good place for honesty to thrive.

Francis invited each of us to think back to the innocence of our early youth and get a mental picture that embodied that time. She asked us to sketch the image and while drawing, write down words that described our memory of this time. I quickly began attempting to illustrate the tricycle that I had dearly loved as a child. I had a smile on my face and in my heart as I remembered the freedom I felt while riding up and down our street. It was the first mode of travel other than walking or riding in a car that I experienced and it had offered me pure joy and excitement, and these were the words I wrote around my beautiful trike...joy, freedom, pleasure, fun, excitement, friends and nothing can stop me. Did I forget to mention the set of extraordinarily fancy streamers that fluttered in the wind as I flew down the block as fast as my little feet could pedal? Those blue streamers were like the proverbial cherry on the hot fudge sundae! I felt so sassy and free...what fond memories. If only the exercise had ended on that delicious note.

While I was sitting in the lightness of my memory, Francis asked that each of us then shift our thoughts to the time in our childhood when our innocence was lost. Well, that took me about a nano second to identify, and I bet it didn't take you much longer to remember back to my busy travel schedule taking me back and forth to New York. I may seem casual as I mention it now, but as I sat at the retreat, listening to the directions, I felt almost sick to my stomach. Then I remembered that not one person at the retreat knew anything about my childhood days, so it might be possible for me to fade into the blandness of the walls and slip out at the end of the afternoon without being noticed. I quickly determined that I could mentally drop a veil over the depth of my feelings, like the invisibility cloak of Harry Potter, casually drawing a sketch with little or no emotional attachment...proving once again that old habits are indeed hard to break. However, this honesty was not about to be ignored or silenced!

With the gentle music playing, Francis invited each of us to breathe deeply and wait patiently for the image to emerge. Her next suggestion challenged me immediately because it seemed as though it had been crafted especially and exclusively for me. I almost believed that she may have been privy to my mental dialogue involving the possibility of a clock. She instructed us to trust the image that appeared, not judging it or changing it...merely sitting quietly with it while noticing the details.

I closed my eyes while trying to be open, calm and ready for a picture or impression to appear. I was immediately aware of the most accurate image. My initial fear encouraged me to quickly open my eyes, causing this specific image to disappear...but then I was reminded of the concept of trust. Was I ready for this degree of trust?? How could I ever remain in this room with all these people surrounding me while I would be attempting to sketch and get in touch with the feelings that this image evoked? I instinctively knew that now was the time to honor and trust the truth of this image, but how could I accomplish this? Picking up the markers and pencil, I noticed a heaviness seep into my heart as I felt the first gentle tear slide down my cheek.