51 Photo Gallery #3

Here I am back again with another assortment of family pictures. It has been a wonderfully rewarding experience to go through the hundreds of photos that we have collected over the years. So many memories! We have such a large collection of pictures because Jim always travels to family events with his camera, and now I'm thankful for having them because they help breathe life into my story. I also like sharing photos because they help to give you a more complete glimpse into the everyday experiences that have enriched my days. So sit back and enjoy another trip down memory lane. But before we get started I have another little question for my family to consider...who is the visitor in the above group picture? If you need a clue, call Steve in Florida because I'm pretty sure he'll be the first one with the answer.

In our family it wouldn't be Christmas without the obligatory photo of the five kids with Mom and Dad. Isn't it fun to see the changes that occur throughout the years in physical traits, hair styles, and fashion sense or nonsense?

You can most likely tell how much I enjoy having plants in my house, and in our first home we had wonderful natural sunlight. I was able to have a wide variety of greenery and I took real advantage of the favorable conditions. Tyler and Muffles are my furry companions...what joy they brought to our lives! Muffles, the little one, was forever the hunter, but it was gentle Tyler who got nipped on his butt by a red-winged blackbird who thought he may have been invading her flying space.

Whenever we had family get-togethers I would also keep my camera ready to capture the cousins spending quality time. Do you like the country look going on in my house...who knew you could decorate your walls with cookie cutters?

Jessica teases me about looking like I'm talking whenever I have a picture taken. This is a perfect example...It seems that I'm mid-sentence in this photo. Oops! I'll have to work on a natural smile...

Another example of our Christmas wonderland. One year we secretly tape recorded all of us opening our presents and then later in the day we gathered to listen to all the conversations going on around the living room. How much silly fun can one family have together?

At times Mom would ask certain individuals to help prepare the meal...what a fine job Steve and Greg did on their contribution, and they seem proud of the finished product too.

My brothers and sisters each received a framed picture of Mom and Dad from their fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration. Being married to the photographer made gift giving easy that year.

Cousins stopping long enough for me to catch a quick picture. When you're cousins, age differences don't really matter...the important thing is to just enjoy each other.

Often our family clan would get together for Easter when Mom and Dad had returned from their annual winter getaway in Florida. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, brothers, sisters and in-laws...who could ask for anything more? And don't forget the pets...

Each summer our entire family would rent three of these huge cabins in Northern Wisconsin. Two of them shared one roof and were connected by a door, so there were lots of go-betweens. Each cabin had two bedrooms, one enormous loft with several beds, living room, bathroom, and one kitchen. The following pictures are just a thumbnail sketch of our time together.

Mom and Dad relaxing on one of the beautiful sofas. We certainly didn't need fancy furniture to make us happy and content. Relax and talk...ahhhhh

One of our famous sayings has been, "Move your meat, lose your seat." Well, here's Mary being creative when Jim tried to take over the sofa after she moved her "meat".

We tried many different poses whenever a few of the cousins were together. We wouldn't need to include everyone, just the ones who happened to be together at the moment.

A quick pic before these three raced to the water. Vacations are the best!

No, Kathie is not really sleeping, but she's fair game for these two sly tricksters. Everybody knows their favorite vacation song is, "Take me out to the...underwear." Believe me when I tell you it sounds best when sung in the shower!!

Okay, I think this is the best photo op! Thanks to Mother Nature...you couldn't create such a perfect set-up.

An afternoon hike with two of my favorite people. I love the way Mary is hooking her arm through mine...such gentle affection.

Vote for the most creative silly face. Be sure to look closely or you may miss some of the more subtle details...like turning your eyelids inside out. Looking at that particular picture reminds me that he is now the father of two young sons. He has so much talent to pass on to the new generation.

Mary likes to read the daily sports page, scoping out her favorite teams and players. She was so engrossed that she didn't realize I was taking her picture...now that's concentration! Note the country decorating going on behind her.

I think Jessica and I are blessed with sharing a relaxed relationship. We view the world through the same set of values...I treasure the time we spend together...she is easy to love!

I'm in mid-sentence again, but this time I'm probably singing the praises of Jessica because this was the night she was welcomed into National Honor Society, an honor that was well deserved.

Isn't this the silliest picture?? Jessica and I were having one of our nightly chats when all of a sudden our space was invaded by dogs, dogs, dogs. We always took Mom and Dad's dog while they were in Florida, so each winter Muffles and Tyler would happily welcome Willy into the fold. I hope you've already figured out that Jessica is totally pretending to be asleep...how could she possibly sleep while being part of a love sandwich?

It's easy to see that I had little trouble snuggling with Muffles while taking a wee bit of a rest. The chair I'm sleeping in was conducive to napping because it was so comfy and cozy, and the ottoman gave yummy support to my tired feet.

I don't know who looked more comfortable...Muffles or Jim. It's evident how easily Muffles was
able to conform to whatever space was available at the time.

Its always been easy to enjoy and appreciate Jim's silly side which he exhibits on a regular basis. His sense of humor and easy going attitude were two of the traits that appealed to me as soon as we met, and thirty three years later I continue to value them.

Here Jessica and I are at the Main Street Motel in Fish Creek. Door County holds a special place in my heart and the two of us would travel there as often as possible through the years. My parents were the ones who introduced me to the beauty of the area, and now I joke that it's part of my DNA.

Jessica offered to snow blow the driveway and sidewalk on a very windy day after a snowfall. She was completely covered with snow because Jim had set the discharge chute to blow into the wind and this was the outcome. I hope I had a cup of hot chocolate waiting for her.

When Jessica had her senior class picture taken, we used the opportunity to have a formal family photo session. We actually looked so formal and serious, probably due to the fact that it was our first family trip to a studio so everything felt a bit stiff, prim and proper...conventional as well as meticulously posed, and very far from natural. But I do need to admit that I liked the final product, so maybe prim and proper isn't so bad after all.

Jim had his first venture into growing tomatoes in the '80s and he was immediately hooked by the whole experience. He even built his own little lighted hothouse in our basement so he could plant the seeds in winter! Then in August he would can his own tomatoes!! I was beyond impressed by his over-the-top enthusiasm, and I absolutely loved eating the fruits of his labor. This is a picture I took of him in his tomato garden. Yes, those are actual plants that are way beyond his 6'3" height. I think secretly he would be extremely happy living on a farm and growing his own produce. Hey, maybe I could live in a condo in Door County and he could live on a farm...compromising can be tricky.

Our dogs wanted to show their loyal support for Jessica's choice of Catholic University.

I liked the way Jim set up this picture of Jessica and me standing in the Lincoln Memorial. It is the perfect way to capture us on our day of sightseeing in Washington because it shows the Washington Monument and the nation's capitol in the background. I remember it being hard to focus on the beauty of the city when I knew that within hours Jim and I would be heading back to Madison without Jessica in the backseat of our car...bittersweet memories.

I don't want to leave you with the impression that Jim was the only gardener in our family. Here is my specialty...flowers, flowers, flowers. I had four different flower gardens when we lived in this house and it provided me with my first experience of planning, digging, planting, tending and enjoying the beautiful boquets of homegrown flowers. I found it relaxing to dig in the earth for hours and hours. It was like a form of meditation for me and I thoroughly entered into the whole experience.

My dad and I shared a love of gardens. He had the most beautiful rose bushes that he loving tended for years, and although I was always a bit intimidated by the fragility of roses, I did inherit his interest in developing a garden filled with multiple colors, shapes and sizes throughout the growing season. We would go on hunting expeditions to our favorite nurseries, carefully picking and choosing just the right plants to add to our gardens. In this picture we are standing in front of Mom and Dad's condo in the spot he had chosen to use for his new garden...in fact this spot was one of the big selling points when he and my mom were looking at this condo.

We couldn't afford to fly Jessica home for Thanksgiving break, but she was able to come home for Christmas!! What a joy-filled time we had together...so much fun that it was difficult to have her leave again. In this picture I caught her as she was taking time to read and relax.

When Jessica returned home after her freshman year, we had the whole family meet her at the airport as a surprise. Her cousins even made big Welcome Home posters, and that's what you see her holding in the above photo. It was great to have her back for an entire summer!

Remember how I mentioned how Jim and I had more time to spend together? Well, here is one of the best times we had when we went exploring a back country road. We were bown away by the hidden beauty of this spot. Who knew you could find such a peaceful lake tucked far away from the crowds? We were glad Jim brought his tripod along so that he could set up the camera to take this little slice of heaven.

Yikes! I just realized that I'm wearing another skirt in this picture! It is really true that finding me in a skirt/dress is a rarity. I do remember liking that skirt because it was suede/leather and it made me feel quite special to be wearing such a fancy outfit.

On the University of Wisconsin campus there is this wonderful statue of Lincoln located at the top of Bascom Hill. We were walking past it and Jim thought it would be amusing to have his photo taken with Lincoln...and he was certainly correct! Doesn't it make you smile too?

Presenting the three sisters. If asked to describe love, I would simply show this photo. Life gave me this enormous gift...sisters. I know, I know, those who have been in my life forever can probably remember a time when I didn't always share a close, loving bond with my older sister, like the time she threw my clothes out of our upstairs bedroom window because I didn't put them away quickly enough, or the time she drew a line down the middle of our bed to indicate the exact area that belonged to her and the exact area that belonged to me. But all of those moments only added to the rich fabric of our relationship. If you happen to see my sister, you may want to ask her to share the story of mashed potatoes when I was a child...

We had just had breakfast at The Pancake House and since I had my camera, I felt it was a good opportunity to capture some of my favorite people...fair warning to those who are around me when I have my camera in hand.

Here are the cousins for one final shot. So you want to learn the secret behind this photo? All I can tell you is that after celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of my parents, one of the cousins went home to change before meeting back at the condo. Little did she know that we would be taking lots and lots of family photos, so she arrived wearing a pair of shorts...nice shorts, but still shorts. Jim, using one of his creative photograhy solutions, decided to place her in the back of any and all photos whenever possible. That way it would be really difficult to tell that she had changed out of her dressier clothes. And now, all these years later, the truth comes out...right Cindy?

I wanted to include this photo because I really, really like it...love abounds!

Having fun on a day of shopping with Jessica. We passed this stately lion and I just felt the need to have my picture taken with him. See, there's another reason you should always travel with a camera...you just never know when a photographic lion is going to appear.

Here is one proud dad. Jessica received a scholarship from Oscar Mayer and this was taken on the day the scholarship was awarded. I think Jim's smile says it all!

I thought it would be appropriate to end this Photo Gallery with our in-house photographer posing as a professional photographer.

A Wise Man's Advice

I felt the person who could give me solid advice about the problems I was having with Jim's drinking was my dad. He had been a recovering alcoholic following the principles of AA for many years, and over those years he had successfully given counsel to many people. One thing I absolutely admired about my dad was the fact that he could listen with an open heart and only give advice when asked...extremely patient, wise and honest. I talked with Dad about my concerns and was pleased when he agreed to meet with both of us to openly discuss our thoughts and feelings about alcohol. The mere fact that Jim and I would be willing to enter into such a personal discussion in front of my dad tells you how safe we felt in his presence.

After giving Jim a chance to talk about his drinking habits and why or why not he thought these habits were a problem, Dad asked me to share why the drinking was a problem for me and the effect I felt it was having on our relationship. He gave both of us an ample opportunity to explain our feelings, and by the end we agreed he had a full understanding of why we were turning to him for help. In response, Dad shared his belief that if a person's drinking was causing a problem to anyone in that person's life, then that person's drinking was a problem. He went on to explain that most people thought that in order to be considered a person with a drinking problem you had to be an out-of-control drinker who had missed work, gotten fired, or experienced blackouts due to drinking, but he knew otherwise based on his own experiences with alcoholism. I was quite surprised by this profound wisdom delivered in such a simple package. After having time to process it for a few minutes, it made total sense...the essence of our situation presented in a straightforward and unpretentious manner. My dad, a man of few words, each of which he chose and constructed with exact precision. Does this give you insight into my dad and why we were comfortable and safe in approaching him for advice?

As we left our meeting, Jim and I were in agreement with the message that had been delivered to us that night. On the recommendation of Dad, we used this newly received idea/meaning as a foundation for our communication...and what discussions we had throughout the following days! That one session was the catalyst for a significant shift in our marriage.

One Tough Decision

When Jim and I first met, I was aware that in social situations he would often drink more than I liked, but I knew that being the child of an alcoholic made me acutely aware of the drinking habits of people in my life. This sensitivity was something that I didn't choose to verbalize very often since I understood it was simply an issue that was rooted in my past experiences with my dad. It was an issue,though, that didn't disappear when my dad began his work with AA, on his path toward becoming a recovering alcoholic. Each time Jim would over-indulge I would get a huge knot in my stomach along with a fear that someday down the road he would lose his ability to control his alcohol consumption and eventually turn into an alcoholic. The mere thought of that future would make the hair on the back of my neck quiver.

It's hard for me to admit the ways I tried to control his drinking over the early years of our relationship, but I think it's important to be open and honest so that you can begin to realize the deep fear and eventual anger I felt toward this third party in our marriage. I remember feeling that I never wanted to go through what our family had experienced over the years of living with a practicing alcoholic. I needed to do everything in my power to prevent this from happening! I know now how ridiculously desperate that sounds, but that is exactly how desperate I was feeling during that time!

Jim was a wedding photographer when we met, so this meant that he would regularly work at a wedding on the weekends. Every wedding has a reception, and almost every reception has some type of alcohol...you can probably tell where I'm heading with this, right? That's correct...after the photographs were finished and all the obligations had been met, Jim would often be invited to stay for the end of the reception festivities, and usually that would include drinking. Oh yea, I believed that if I went to the weddings with him, then I would be able to control his alcohol intake. How silly was that? Sad but true. (Yes, Thom, that's how I ended up in your wedding photographs about ten years before even meeting you.) There were many weddings that I didn't attend with Jim, and on one of those occasions Jim called, inviting me to come and listen to the great band at the reception. Of course I went because then I could control, control, control...but by the time I appeared, Jim was already beyond any control I could offer. I arrived to see him dancing with one of the bridesmaids. I wish there was a word that could begin to describe how I sick I felt as I stood there in the darkened room, because using the words hurt and angry only describe the tip of my emotional response. Would I have had the same emotional response if he had not been drinking? I truly didn't know the answer to that question, but I gradually began to understand that his drinking was concerning me to the point of causing a problem in our relationship. I don't want to give the impression that he drank all the time because that is not true, but each time he did over-indulge, I had the same fear-based response. Eventually when Jessica was in college and Jim and I spent more time going to social events together, I knew that I had a decision to make. I either had to seek a solution for dealing with this third party in our marriage or I had to find a way of living with that reality...without letting it consume me and our relationship.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

I learned firsthand the painful reality behind the term empty nest. I felt the intense emptiness for weeks after Jessica's departure, especially each day when getting home from school and not finding her there to talk...listen...and decompress from our day. Also after getting ready for bed we would often share a quieter time during which we would talk about anything and everything that was on our minds...these were especially treasured moments for me. There were many tears shed throughout those weeks because my sense of loss was profound. With the major changes in my role as a mother, I found I had more unscheduled time for myself, although it took me several weeks to be truly ready and open to the realities of what this change could mean, and how this time of transition and adjustment could offer me a variety of choices. There were all types of potential opportunities for me to ponder and the only stipulation was my degree of willingness to be open. Here was my chance to consider only those experiences that appealed to me. I remember thinking these endless possibilities must be the upside of the empty nest phenomenon...and I smiled.

I enrolled in a calligraphy class which quickly engaged my creative juices, I joined a Bible study group that Suzanne offered which fed my spiritual hunger, and I began to meditate which gave my overly active mind a chance to experience a new-found quiet. All in all I was experiencing life in a fresh, expansive way that tasted quite remarkable. Did I continue to miss Jessica's daily presence in my life? Absolutely! But I was gradually able to move toward a place of acceptance of this new and different phase in my life and thereby become open to the growth and change it offered me.

During this time I knew there was an area of my life due for a tune-up...our marriage. Since Jim and I then had the time, maybe we could both focus some of that time and energy on our relationship because merely sharing a physical space does not a marriage make. So many people described Jim as a "great guy" and that description was absolutely true. He was a good guy through and through, and I loved him dearly, but something that concerned me was the lack of quality time we spent together. We often chose to spend our free time in totally different ways, but it became my hope that we would find some mutually satisfying activities that we could enjoy doing together. To be fair, I must admit that this lack of quality togetherness bothered me much more that it bothered Jim. He felt we were spending quality time if we sat in the same room and watched an evening of TV together...me, not so much. I was hungry for something more, but I didn't know exactly what that meant or how to achieve it. As Jessica was growing up it seemed as though the time Jim and I spent with each other was usually for family-centered activities rather than just the two of us spending time as a couple. I had never been aware of this fact during that time, but believe me, it became clearly evident after Jessica went off to college! There was nothing like lots of available free time staring me in the face, and not being able to find a suitable way to spend time together, so we'd settle on going out for dinner...if only we could agree on a restaurant. Are you getting a sense of my struggle? Hindsight is wonderful because I am able to sit here over twenty years later and smile at our crude but terribly sincere attempts we both encountered along the way of discovering togetherness...

Stress Relief...Oh My!

Have you ever been so tired that everything around you seemed funny? Well, that's exactly how Jim and I were feeling by the time we made it to Chicago. Emotionally drained and totally sleep deprived would be an accurate description of us in the early hours of that Sunday morning as we pulled into the gas station. Yes, the laughing started when we exited our car and froze our bums while attempting to fill the gas tank, but that was only the beginning of what turned into an uncontrollable scene that played out in the frigid air of the aptly named Windy City. No matter what we tried to say, we were not able to restrain our laughter...merely looking at each other sent us into a powerless mass of giggles. At one point Jim commented that the gas station attendant was going to think we were having trouble keeping our behavior under control because we were on drugs. Well, those words of warning certainly fell on deaf ears, while encouraging our creativity to run wild as we began constructing possible headlines for our local newspaper...First Grade School Teacher Arrested With Husband in Chicago on Possible Drug Abuse Charges! Just the thought of that headline did anything but rein in my hysterics. In fact, not only was I not laughing in a normal manner, but I was doubled over, letting out a snort that sounded a lot like a pig...oh my!

After making it safely back into our car, I had to admit that all the unleashed outpouring of silliness was exactly what I needed in order to shake off the emotional upheaval of the previous twenty-four hours. I felt like a dog who just had been given a bath and needed to shake free all the annoying leftover water dripping off its back. I was no longer burdened by the emotional release that had taken place within the confines of our car for the last fifteen hours.

When we finally made it home, we slept for the rest of the day. There was no way I could spend my first day of school exhausted, so sleep was a necessity. It felt strange that we didn't need to ask Jessica to turn down her music to help give us the quiet we needed. Instead, our house already seemed too quiet. Is that how our "empty nest" was going to sound without the activity and energy of a teenager? It was most definitely a time of transition in our marriage, and I wanted us to take this transition slowly, hoping that going slowly may take away some of the "sting" of loss and replace it with new possibilities for us to explore. Yikes! Jim and I having more one-on-one time together...oh my!

After the Goodbye

The whirlwind trip of bringing Jessica to college had finally come to a poignant climax. With my school beginning on Monday I felt we should leave DC no later than Saturday night, even though I sincerely wanted to stay as long as possible before having to face the dreaded goodbye. When it came time for us to leave, the three of us headed down to our car for the initial phase of farewells. Jessica and I shared raw emotions of love and gratitude toward each other, while flavoring it with heartfelt tears and fond memories, so many memories over so many years together. This was quickly followed by an embrace hinting at the understanding that it would be several months before we would again share the same air...a hug that I wished could go on indefinitely, but since we all knew it was time for us to go, we shared on final group hug. In the meantime, through all of this emotional outpouring, Jim was able to remain calm, so at least one of us was capable of driving back to Wisconsin. I watched and waved as Jessica became a mere dot in the background of the CUA campus, and by that time I had quite simply melted into a puddle of seemingly endless sobs.

As we left Washington and throughout many of the seventeen hours traveling back home I continued sobbing, surprising even myself with the depth of sadness and loss that I felt. I needed to understand that there were two simple realities forming the foundation for my sense of loss and grief. First, my "little girl" and I were on the threshold of entering into a brand new phase of our relationship, a strangely different and totally unknown connection in which we would both participate as adults and secondly, from that day forward whenever Jessica would be at our home she would be a visitor. While watching my daughter as she had become that tiny dot, she had turned back to her dorm, entering it as a young adult who was independently living on her own in the great big world. I had comprehended this transition back in Madison as I had spent the previous year mentally preparing for her leaving, but living through the realism of this transition was especially more difficult for my heart to accept. This was a bitter pill of reality for me to swallow...indeed.

I was useless in the shared driving department because it seemed as though each time I would begin feeling peacefully calm, the tranquility would be abruptly interrupted by a flash of remembrance that would begin the flow of tears. There would be no advanced warning, simply heartrending sadness that had no boundaries. I don't think Jim had much fun on that trip home until we came to a truck stop in the Chicago area. You see, when we left Washington it was around eighty degrees so we were dressed for that weather. We had no clue that the Midwest was experiencing a sudden drop in temperature, down around forty degrees! Can you imagine our surprise when we exited the car to fill the tank with gas? We felt as though we were dressed for Florida and ended up in Alaska. With our lack of sleep along with all the emotions swirling around inside our car for the last fifteen hours, we both needed some comic relief, and this frigid weather provided the perfect humorous material. I thought Jim looked funny as he filled the gas tank because his whole body was shivering from standing outside in this ridiculous weather, and he was laughing at how equally silly I looked in my summer outfit... and that's how it all started.

A Difficult Goodbye

The year of preparation definitely helped me get ready to set Jessica on the road to adulthood, but it didn't offer any ways to make this initial break achievable or even possible. If only my heart could absorb this growth and change that was about to occur. I never gave up...I kept processing this until the day we packed up our car and headed off to Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C. What a trip! We left at night, trying to avoid as much traffic as possible, and since this was in the time before GPS, we faithfully followed our trusty little map from AAA. The best thing I can say about our trip out to Washington was that it was uneventful...until it was time to actually drive in DC traffic. Oh my, nothing could have prepared us for the speed, disregard for rules of the road, and total chaos that is known as driving in Washington. I arrived at our country's capital feeling a bit like a fish out of water. I felt like such a Midwesterner! I truly wasn't accustomed to being surrounded by people moving at such a fast pace, but I was most definitely intrigued by the city. It had a wide diversity of nationalities as well as all that is entailed in being our nation's capital...so much to see and do and our time in this bustling city was so limited.

We stopped at a MacDonald's on the way to Jessica's dorm, and we were greeted as we got out of our car by a police officer who was wearing a bullet-proof vest and acting as an escort for people like us who were "new" to the neighborhood. He suggested that next time we may want to choose a different location for getting a meal. Now there's something I had never seen in Madison! Is this giving you an idea of why I felt like a fish out of water? Soon after that, we had to wait for a very l-o-n-g time in the hot sun for another police officer to arrive because we witnessed a car accident...remember the crazy driving I mentioned?

After finally getting Jessica settled into her new home, we became typical tourists as we went out for an entire day of sightseeing, taking in all the major highlights found throughout the city. We even went to the top of the Washington Monument where Jessica was able to point out the CUA campus far off in the distance. This was all a fun distraction, but in the corners of my mind I was keenly aware of the real reason for being in DC...we were there to transport our daughter to college, release this mature young lady from childhood, and set her free to continue her grown-up journey to adulthood. Those were some heavy duty responsibilities which would challenge me more than I could have ever imagined!